Daddy God vs. Daddy Issues

During the summer we have family staying with us for two months, which is wonderful with a tiny hint of difficult when you have a small place like ours. We will have four nights of normal with just the four of us this weekend, so I took full advantage of snuggling on the couch and watching a movie with my husband as soon as our two girls passed out from pure exhaustion. After he went to bed at 1:30 AM, I stayed up until 3:30 AM like a mad woman soaking in the quiet, a hot bubble bath by candlelight, and no little people jumping in with me or asking me for a million different things. It was perfection…until I woke up at 7:45 in the morning and couldn’t go back to sleep. I decided to just tackle the day and nap later. I’m still waiting for that nap and a little on the cranky side.

This morning I read a blog of one of my ministry heroes. Her daughter had posted a blog dedicated to her father. I was completely moved to tears, thrilled for this sister in the faith, but ached on the inside as I read every moving word that described her adoration of her Daddy.

How is it possible that I can fast forward fifteen years and visualize my daughters having the same healthy, loving relationship with their father with the purest joy in my heart yet feel the dull ache inside at what I had and what I didn’t have? I chalk it up mainly to being exhausted. I’m a huge crybaby when I’m tired.

My mother always told me growing up that we “shouldn’t air our dirty laundry.” I’m pretty sure mom didn’t fathom in her wildest dreams that I was going to be a writer and verbalize the things people are too afraid to say out loud. Sorry Mom. I really hope you haven’t saved my blog to your “favorites.”

Not to be blatantly disobedient or anything, but I have a confession. Brace yourself.

I have Daddy issues. (Talk about waving your dirty garments in the air for all to see.) I have two dads, a real dad and a step-dad. One of them has my eyes and the other one loves me like I am his flesh and blood. One of them is nicer when he’s had a few drinks and the other one just needs a good caffeinated beverage to take the edge off and a quiet place to retreat. One of them is serving God; the other is running from him. One of them thinks that I am the funniest thing ever and the other one, in his better days, thought that he was the funniest thing ever. I don’t connect well with men. I don’t have any brothers. I don’t have sons. I have two Dads and I relate with them very differently. I love them differently. I have a three-decade rule when it comes to hugging men and only a trusted man (who is not a freak) gets a hug from me.

In the words of MC Hammer, one of my favorites from the eighties, “You can’t touch this.” I’m just saying.

Recently a friend of mine and I openly discussed our issues that stem way back to our childhood. I have no doubt in my heart that we are whole in Christ, but it doesn’t mean that we don’t respond differently to others because of the relationships in our lives that helped to shape, mold, or possibly warp our tender psyches. My ongoing joke is that I have been one floor away from the Psych Ward on many occasions. I am continually overwhelmed by the grace of God who restored what Satan meant for harm. I am no longer damaged goods. I’m a woman on a mission and a voice for the brokenhearted.

Let me just say that it is possible to be completely set free from captivity and chains of your past. BUT, it doesn’t mean that God gives you spiritual amnesia and erases your painful childhood or adulthood for that matter. It becomes your testimony, a reflection of the heart of the Father and restorer of broken things. He changes your destiny, gives you purpose, and then releases you to be a powerful witness for Christ. God can and will heal all of your hurts, trust me on this one.

If you need to cry about it, I’ll cry with you. If you need to let go, I know who can help you with that. If you need to hear about my pain to feel better about your own and to know that you are not alone, I will hold nothing back from you. Now is always the right time for healing. There are great books and Bible studies out there to help you. Run to our invisible God, our Abba Father.

“Listen to Me, you who follow after righteousness, you who seek the Lord: Look to the rock from which you were hewn, and to the hole of the pit from which you were dug, look to Abraham you father, and to Sarah who bore you; for I called him alone, and blessed him and increased him.

For the Lord will comfort Zion, He will comfort all her waste places; He will make her wilderness like Eden, and her desert like the garden of the Lord; joy and gladness will be found in it, thanksgiving and the voice of melody.” (Isaiah 51:1-3)

Much Love!